Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize