I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
