I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
