the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I intend to get homeless drunk
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
