Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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