Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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