I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
