I accidentally had phone sex last night
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
