nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize