im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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