My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
