So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
