god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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