Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
