I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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