I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
