I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
