I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
