The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
