You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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