I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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