i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ladies don't puke and tell
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
