Nicole vs. Life
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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