In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
