3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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