yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
