Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
this just has baby written all over it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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