1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
