My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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