You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
