allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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