I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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