Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
