Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
