Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
