I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize