His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
