He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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