we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
