Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize