I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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