listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
