Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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