I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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