i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my sisters under your porch take her home
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
