The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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