wrigley field is MILF paradise
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
she smelled like a LAN party
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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