I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
