You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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