I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
