It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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