Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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