I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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