one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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