hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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