Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
