people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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