So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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