You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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