"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
