I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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