Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
