Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
