you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
