I'm lost and stupid without you.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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