What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
