youre lurking in front of me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
