(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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