i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
