I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize