I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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