The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
