So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
