you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
