My liver just broke up with me...
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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