all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
