I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
