11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
