Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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