Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
