Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
