i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
