chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
